"What I do is always perfect!" ;-)

// POLISH VERSION HERE //


Hi!

I want to tell you I'm not feeling well today and I get like frozen from time to time... I'm sitting with my laptop and typing something and then I find myself staring at a screen for two minutes with no sense in that. I've been working on this post since the morning, it's Monday, 8.12pm and I don't know whether I'll finish it today or not... The other thing is that when I sit like this and do nothing, I keep thinking about things and you'll be a witness of that in a moment :-P

I woke up today early morning because of a thunderstorm and I need to say I almost got a hear attack. It thundered so much that I, half asleep, had no idea what was going on and I even had this though that it was a bomb ;-D Thunderstorms in Georgia are very strong and loud, for real. At least here in my place.


Maybe you remember that after I got back from California, I was telling you that we were there to a group of people to talk, share, etc. If you don't remember, feel invited to come HERE. We spent past several days in Warm Springs in Georgia (an hour away from our house) because of a group like that. However, this time people were different and so on. And also, my experience from this time is much worse than my experiences from California. Keeping it short and simple - I was extremely bored and I had this impression that people were there just because they're used to this. Too bad because I hoped I'd have something to tell you but unfortunately not this time. Not too much at least cause there's something that I'll talk about anyway today...

Warm Springs is a place known from a death of a 32nd president of the USA - Franklin D. Roosevelt. I think people out there can afford their living because of tourists. In general, a town like a town... Nothing special but nice - like in a whole Georgia :-).

***

And now what I wanted to talk about...
Nate said there something that was kind of long and complicated... I don't remember an exact way in which he said it so I'll share it with my words and below that you can find my thoughts about this thing. Let's say Nate said something like: I'm not responsible for other people's feelings and I don't like a word "sorry" because in many cases it's full of negative meaning and it very often means that a person saying that is afraid of another person who it's directed to. Moreover, I don't have anything to apologize for because everything I do is perfect and I always do my best and I always make good decisions and later I don't regret anything.
Controversial? Maybe. I talked about this a little bit already but the last sentence was something that I heard for the first time and I started to wonder. I found that it's a very interesting way of looking at yourself which allow a person to feel comfortable and well with his own self... And this is something I was looking for in my life. Later we talked about this more in a car and so I understood completely what he meant. Let me explain it to you from my own perspective because I live with the same beliefs :-).

If it comes to not being responsible for other people's reactions... It's not the same as not caring about other's feelings. It makes a huge sense to me! Because it depends on how I share my feelings. If I tell someone something like (an example completely made up a second ago) "when you did this and that, I felt sad because I felt very lonely" and this someone will respond "you're pissing me off!" then I don't take any responsibility for his anger. I shared my feelings and he's reaction is he's own reaction which is caused not exactly by what I said, I believe. It's more about he's own imagination, memories which my words brought to him back. Not that I honestly said I was said, I think. And also, like I said at the beginning, it's not the same what caring about people's feelings is. If Alicia does something I don't like and I tell her that (in the same way as above) and she starts crying, in most cases those tears are caused by her own imagination and memories, not by my words but at the same time I feel sorry that she feels sad. The other thing is that I don't think that anyone can be completely honest when he watches his words because of his fear he'll hurt someone else. I'm not talking here about a conscious insulting someone ("Hey, go and take a bath cause you stink as a pig!") but about talking about my own feelings ("I'd like to be close to you and right now I don't feel comfortable because I started to smell that you haven't had a bath for a while now") because in this case there's no way to insult someone, I think. You know what I mean? I'm not sure if I can explain this well enough, it's hard for me to put all that in words.

Another thing is apologizing. There are several ways of understanding this. The one I'll talk about is apologizing caused by a fear of someone else and, in my opinion, this is the most common one. You know what it looks like? I suppose that most of the people in the world experienced in their childhood moments when they heard from their parents something like "go and say you're sorry! Repeat! I didn't hear you! What do you say?!" etc. And then a child apologizes because she's afraid of consequences if she doesn't do it. It stays in a head! That's why later the very first reaction in a case of any not pleasant situation is "oh, I'm sorry!" being said very fast in a fear of another person. I see it this way. Moreover, in situations when someone did something that caused me to feel awful, the word "sorry" doesn't really work because I don't know what this person mean by this (maybe he says it only to let things go or something; I don't know because he doesn't say). It doesn't matter if that person thinks he's totally honest with this... What I want is being sure that he understood what I meant and that he won't do it again. What's more, this word is a shortcut. To me, it's the same as if someone says "oh" instead.

About that I always do everything perfectly and I always make good decisions... When I heard it for the first time, I stopped for a moment and I thought - what?! But the more Nathan said and the more I thought, the more sense it made to me! Some of the people out there were surprised and they were saying it's impossible to always do your best and there are days when you simply can't do it and so on. Being asked, based on what standards, they answered: "I don't know". And this is the point! I had this thought then... When I feel well and I'm in a good mood and everything is fine, I write let's say 20 pages of a book. I'm proud of myself and I think I did my best. Next day I have a flu, fever and I lay on my bed for the whole day and so I write 2 pages. Many less than earlier but I did my best again! I did what I could; I wasn't able to write more and so it was still my 100%! You know what I mean? I don't believe that anyone puts any standards on himself by himself, especially those he can't reach. I think those standards are always imposed by others (for example, teachers, boss, parent) and the others tell us we don't do out best. I'm sure I always do my best and the only differences are how I feel and how much I can do. And that's why I always make good decisions and I always choose good solutions to different situations. Even if some decision has negative effects later, it was still a good decision to make in a given situation with a knowledge I had at the moment. That's why I think that apologizing for "mistakes" doesn't make any sense because they aren't mistakes because I think there's always a good reason for what we do and say and we base everything on information we have and I don't like apologizing for not knowing something.

Any thoughts? I hope I didn't mix things up too much.

Talk to you next time!
Aga



PS. I want to show you what I painted on a wall :-) I spent a while painting this and I really like the effect!